Missed Connections

I don't know if you can tell, but I've been feeling a bit crabby lately.....but, I have to say, when I read this today, I laughed out loud....and not just a chuckle, but a nice big guffaw! Enjoy!

Craigslist Missed Connections:


pulled your hair at Albertson’s - m4w
I’m sorry. I think. Let me explain…

You: Extremely attractive. Running shorts, t-shirt, long blonde hair

Me: Khaki shorts, t-shirt, bloodshot eyes and unfortunate flipflops

So I’m stoned and making migas. Stupid me for not checking the pantry and realizing I was out of Cholula sauce. I cannot do without the Cholula sauce on my migas. Yes, stoners do have standards. Roomie 1 has no gas in his car and I think not so good that he drives mine, so I default to drive my half-baked ass to Albertson’s to grab the sauce. Mind you I am breaking the cardinal rule of NEVER EVER going to the grocery store stoned and hungry. Once I went to get some tuna and bread, ended up $140 lighter and spent an hour unpacking a combination of foodstuffs more bizarre than a Vietnamese buffet.

Resolve, man, resolve. Stay out of the snack aisle. Avoid the bizarre canned meat collection and the frozen food section. Condiments only. I can do this! And so I did…

You were walking normally. Provocatively, but normally. Me? I was speed-walking. Get in, get Cholula, get out. Must maintain focus. Back to my unfortunate choice of footwear – I was wearing flip-flops, remember? Well speed-walking requires a delicate combination of balance and traction, of which I was slightly lacking in the balance department and how the fuck was I to know they had failed to perform “Clean-Up on Aisle 3” ?

So you’re strolling oh so sexily ahead of me as I blow past the relishes and olive goodness coming up behind you. I prepare to pass near the mustard. Just as I’m about to even with you and divert my gaze from your ass to your face, I hit the wet spot. My right foot shoots forward, flinging my flipflop a good ten feet ahead, and to avoid doing a complete assplant on the tile, I reach for your shoulder.

I got all hair. Your head snapped back in a whiplash-inducing flash and you screamed. Gawd it was a sexy scream. I tried to explain but you ran away. I am not some hair-pulling-maniac, I swear! It was just an accident. Fate, dumb luck and a raging case of the munchies.
I, forlorn and lovestruck, retrieved my errant flipflop and left the store.


With tuna and bread. I forgot the Cholula.

So please, forgive me. And if you wanna hook up, please reply. I’ll pull your hair if you ask me too…